Un-anniversary-ing

Today would be my 19th wedding anniversary.  Underline would be.  Kid 2 asked me yesterday if I would be sad today.  I'm not sure, I honestly told her.  She admitted that she still has days when she has to remind herself that the divorce is real.  So do I.  I never imagined May 20th would roll around and I wouldn't be celebrating the fantastic day when I married their dad.

Our marriage was as normal as most.  With the exception of being uprooted every few years for his career.  I knew when he took the job 10 days before the wedding what I was signing up for.  Sounded a little enchanting.  The two of us could reinvent ourselves each new place.

Instead, enchantment felt more like abandonment.  Reinvention felt more like a continuous cycle of seeking normal.  Hurt feelings. Ignored expectations. Disappointment. Over and over until a broken heart feels unmendable.  Then each side rallies their team and declares war on the other.  Sucks money.  Sucks energy. Just plain sucks.

Finally the dust settles and two people, four kids and four pets are seeking equilibrium in the new normal. Again.  Emotions bounce back-forth-up-down like a super ball in a trinket store.  Fragile stuff breaks and resiliancy is found in surprising places.  And I learn how often the ball can smack me in the face and i can get right back up.  Wow.  Life just keeps catching me off guard.

Since getting home from work today, I've looked each kid in the eye and prayed thanksgiving for the 17 years of marriage and the blessings that resulted.   Fabulous ones. 

As i sit here, I wonder if May 20th will ever roll around and the original 6 of us can spend a little time celebrating.  Good memories were made.  Four kids popped into the world. Trips and vacations were survived. I'd like to think it wouldn't seem weird to eat some ice cream and be proud of what we accomplished together.