Let Him hold you

I've visited Mom's grave site many times.  Obviously, I know it's gonna be sad.  Still...I can be joking and laughing as we walk down the sidewalk to her *lane* and the minute I see the grave marker a visceral response pulls me to my knees and I weep.

I think I've don't a pretty good job over the years of hiding my emotions.  Probably too good.  But to experience emotions so overwhelming that they actually control me.  Intense. Frightening. Insane.

Her marker is heated by the morning sun to the point of being almost uncomfortable to touch.  Still, the tears fall as I run my hand over the letters that spell out her name.  Barbara Clasen.  Gone from this world.  Gone from my future.

Best friend wraps an arm around me.  New Guy rubs my back.  The wave after wave of sadness rolls from head to toe. They try to comfort me, yet let me be in the moment.

I reach out to fiddle with the flowers left by my brother, just a few weeks ago.  Mother's Day.  Short ones to the front, tall guys to the middle.  Twisting and bending them to submission, just like I attempt to wrestle the ache.  But there's some left and it stubbornly hangs on...just like the tallest flower that refuses to go to the center.  So another sob ripples my body.  

Best friend grabs her guitar and her light strums fill the air.  Calming, like the cool breeze.

What should I play?  Come to Jesus...

Worry not my daughters, worry not my sons.  Child when life takes more than it's givin'...Come to Jesus, let Him hold you in his arms.